This Time

Time ushered me through a door

Off a rocky cliff, I watched my children fly

One hand waved goodbye while the other dragged, clawing at the ground

Change was fast and furious.

I packed up their small hands and opened mine

Picked up my weighted heart

heavy in its emptiness, lonely in my empty nest

I stumbled forward, into the boarded-up shaft that was my heart

I mined the dark tunnels once heavily traveled, before the needs of a family

I found dreams at the bottom.

Inspiration oozed like honey into the emptiness

and I moved my name back to the top of the list

The heart of a mother shuddered at my certainty

gathered itself and whispered…

You left them, failed them, this is not your time

Such terrible thoughts, being caught in the ought

Mothers sacrifice and drown in invisibility

so that others can be seen

I brush away compromise, I chip away resentment

I am more than mother

I have treasures to uncover

Time ushered me through a door

It whispered tick-tock

I cannot be the lighthouse offering protection from the shore

This time is mine

I wade into guilty waters and swim…

ROBIN, WILL you have answers? I AM curiouS

I’m lost in hamster wheels when I see him at PetSmart

Could he answer the questions

our mother left us?

She would have given her life for us – so why did she take it?

Were you sure there was nothing left to live for?

Did she think about us?

Or was the pain screaming in your heads and sitting on your chests, so heavy

that one more breath was too many?

Did she think her silence would spare us?

Why did you hand down your suffering like a tattered quilt?

Why did she make the bed that we lie in?

Someone answer me.

Do you see us put our love for you on a shelf and let the anger collect like dust?

Does she know we fill the hole she left with guilt?

How could you leave us,

hanging,

without explanation or absolution?

I’m lost in hamster wheels when Robin whispers,

the love doesn’t die…

Anger and hurt fade like a setting sun and the morning brings sweet memories.

She spent hours making our favorite Christmas cookies.

How much pain does it take to go from loving to leaving?

So much more than our anger,

an unbearable amount to risk our regret

I step off the wheel.

The love endures, longer than our questions.

Darkness Doesn't Need A Reason

Dear Darkness,

I know what you are but never why you’re here

You are my uninvited guest.

Each time you stay I search for a reason

But I fear that you don’t need one.

Maybe you arrive with the days getting shorter

Or you follow grief, twisting it into something

longer…harder

Maybe you ride in on a wave of estrogen

dragging me under

Or maybe it’s a Monday

and you’ve found just the right thread to pull

to make me unravel

First you hide in the corners, a bad day but it passes

Then you creep in from the edges

dimming the lights

lowering the volume

You steal the dirt from beneath my feet

until the hole I am in is all I can see

Sleep is an escape…until it isn’t

You lie beside me as I watch the clock

3am again

Thoughts swarm my mind, angry, taunting

It will never be better

I’m failing…again

Morning comes and I decide that if I just run fast enough,

fill my time enough,

finally be enough,

there won’t be a space enough, for you

My head hits the pillow and I sleep…

3am again

You find a crack

You laugh as you use fear to bind my chest and steal my breath

My hands shake, my heart races

Your long fingers slide around my throat as you hiss…Hurry

With fingernails dirty from clawing the walls

and a voice weak with exhaustion, I ask, "help?"

You call me weak but I ask again

From behind closed eyes I see the faintest glow

Light finds the smallest crack and shines in

It brings Hope and they greet me with outstretched hands and finally

you retreat.

A dark fog of despair lifts

I can see light, love

I can hear laughter

In your absence I find gratitude and for a time

I have peace

But I know you will return

If only I knew what was sending you the invitation

I search for the reason but the truth is

you don’t need one.

Raising the Shower Bar

Busy, busy, busy…

Even free time isn’t free

Alas! A way to raise the shower bar

of my productivity

Maybe a quick work meeting

Am I sure my camera’s off?

Televisit with my doctor’s office

Finally ask about this cough

Then I’ll Facetime grandma

since her cataracts are bad

Order the book called Digital Detox

As a birthday gift for Dad

Videos while I lather up

Memes while I shave

I’ll wash some vegetables at my feet

watching that cooking show I saved

I’ll finally learn those shortcuts

add some software for debugging

And then I’ll watch that Ted Talk

On the importance of unplugging

Side bar to my shower bar

A thought won’t let me be

Why do I need to win the race

of productivity?

Do I free up free time? No

That’s my sacrifice

Is it that I’m happier? better?

Is it my new vice?

Should I take a long hot shower

and really think this through?

Ding! I got another text

What was I about to do?

Back to cleaning this muddied life

Multitasking while I scrub

Battery’s down to 3 percent

I need an outlet in my tub…